But I knew him
by corinnemaree
Summary: Bucky, or James as he liked to be called, is having a hard time dealing with who he is, and who he once was after the incident in DC. He seeks the help of Steve Rogers, in hopes that he might shed some light onto his past, and provide the help James needs.


_I knew him_

That was one thing he was sure of. He knew Steve Rogers.

'_Cause I'm with you 'til the end of the line  
_

"Shut up" He yelled, throwing his left arm, hitting everything in its wake. It was amazing how much stuff he ended up destroying with just one arm. What was he even meant to call himself? He was a brainwashed soldier who can't remember anything about his past other than a few memories that got him so angry, he didn't understand why.

If he were to call himself anything, he wouldn't use 'Winter Soldier'. He wasn't that person anymore, he was making sure of that. He couldn't let HYDRAs plan of brainwashing him still controlling everything he did. He wasn't a killer by choice; he was killer by force, one thing he didn't want to be.

But he wouldn't call himself Bucky. He couldn't call himself Bucky. He had read about all the things Bucky had achieved with Steve Rogers. Or Captain America. The man who was once his mission, but was also once his friend.

Bucky Barnes was a hero, someone who people could rely on. The man he was today was nothing like Bucky was. Bucky Barnes died a hero, he should leave Bucky's title as it was.

A friend. What is that? What does that mean to him now. He was a dog that would have been put down if he didn't follow every word that HYDRA ever told him. He wasn't a friend to anyone. He was always the enemy, and he could never be anything but. His hand wasn't one for friendliness, it was a weapon, and he could never replace the bullets it was capable of firing.

But he needed a person to tell him what to do, what to understand about himself, and about his life. He was so lost, and was unable to find his path. How could be when he had multiple pasts that make little to no sense to him sometimes. Where was he meant to start?

Steve Rogers.

"_Just go! Get outta here!" _

"_No! Not without you"_

"Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!" he yelled defiantly. He could see every image in his head like it was a movie he watched when he was a child. He was remembering things, and then they would fade like the footage was being burned in front of his eyes. He picked up a jacket with a hood on it, and made his way to where might find Steve.

After doing some research on Steve through the S.H.I.E.L.D. computer system, he found the address, and stood out the front of the building. Could he even face this man after all that he had done? He had to get answers, but at what cost to both of the people involved, if he should even consider himself a person anymore. He felt so much like HYDRAs dog, it was hard to get out of the feeling. He walked up the steps and stood in front of the door, almost ready to knock.

Why was he here? He was standing on this damn front step, not knocking, and he wasn't sure what he would say. He was this man's enemy the last time they met, and what was he supposed to do? Ask for help and expect what he asked for? How could he be so foolish? He knocked, and he realised what he was doing after he did so. A few moments later, Steve answered the door, and Steve's jaw nearly dropped to the floor once he removed the hood from his head.

"Buck?" Steve Rogers' way of speaking was soft, and comforting. Such way of speech was unfamiliar to him, how was he meant to respond without feeling something in his chest. At peace was the feeling Steve's voice gave him, and it was so forgiving, though it had only been a word.

"Can you….tell me about Bucky" He finally managed to say, and Steve stared at him for a while before opening the door wider for him to step inside.

"You don't go by Bucky?" Steve asked as they both took a seat opposite one another. He shook his head in response, and Steve sighed, but tried not to by the way in which his shoulders rolled, most likely out of discomfort. "If you don't want to be called Bucky, then what do you want to be called?" He asked, with a sudden smile appearing on his face. Steve seemed so happy to see him, he felt uncomfortable with someone who actually liked seeing him.

"James Buchanan. It would still be my name" he said, trying to think of himself with a name, but it seemed to be unusual. He tried not

"Just not Bucky. I understand" Steve said, and offered James a drink of hard liquor afterwards. He gave a faint smile, something he was still getting used to doing.

James stayed there for quite a while, listening to everything that Steve had to say about his former friend, though he was physically in front of him, James knew he wasn't there mentally. And that's what made some of the memories difficult for Steve. He would say things like 'Do you remember the time…' or 'You have to remember...' and soon the sentences ran dry, with no further remarks about what James knew.

As the light of day died out, James decided it was time to head back to the place he called a home. Learning to call home. Everything was still hard to grasp, most of the time, he would use military terminology to make sense of a situation, how to defend himself in case of any unforeseen circumstances. "Bucky you forgot your…" Steve shouted behind James, and then he stopped himself. James turned, and realised he had responded to Bucky. He went back to Steve, getting his jacket that Steve had actually called out for him to get.

"If it gets too hard, you can call me Bucky" James said, and told himself that it was okay to be the person he once was, and not the monster his arm reminded he was.

"Only when you feel it's right to do so" Steve regarded, patting James on the right shoulder, and the sensation that he was still human surged through James' body, and he finally "Like you once told me, Buck, I'm here 'til the end of the line. Remember that" Bucky smiled at Steve and nodded. Then he did something he wasn't sure he was capable of doing so easily. He hugged Steve. He took him into his arms like he had waited years to do so, to be with his friend, and feel right at home.

Steve was Bucky's home, for what he used to be, and what Bucky will eventually become and remember.

Bucky knew Steve, and would always know him, that, Bucky was sure of.


End file.
